Michael B. Duff

Lubbock's answer to a question no one asked

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Frank Evil vs. Bambi's Mom

[Originally written to cheer up molls.]

It seemed to take forever, watching Frank Evil consume Bambi’s Mom. I didn’t think a man could consume that much deer meat, but Frank kept at it. He grilled her and fried her and baked her into pies.

He made her into sandwiches and brought her for lunch. I asked if he wanted to share the meat one day and he said no. He wanted to eat her by himself. It seemed important, somehow, to consume the whole thing by himself.

He finished her last June, choking down the last bits of gristle and fat. I thought that would be the end of it, but Frank had a habit now. I tried to give him normal deer but Frank had a taste for magic now. He wanted to eat the ones that talk — deer that feel and think and whisper prophecy to the trees.

I didn’t ask him about the morality of it. I mean, you can’t reason with a guy named Frank Evil. Even I knew that. Instead, I asked him if he ever worried about consequences, worried that the deer would call in favors and fight back somehow.

Frank just laughed at me and loaded fresh shells into his gun. “What are they gonna do?” Frank said, “Grow wings and fly away?”

UPDATE 14:03: Apparently, my prose is so surreal, I even confused Scott Slemmons. Do you know how hard it is to out-weird Scott Slemmons? He’s like the Barry Bonds of weird.

Written by Michael B. Duff

October 10, 2008 at 09:15

Posted in Humor

It's a girl!

Alaska Gov. Sarah PalinMcCain’s new VP is hot, right? Can we just get that out of the way?

You know what this means? It means Joe Biden isn’t the sexiest person in this election cycle anymore.

I don’t want to reveal too much about my politics or my taste in women but I think I’ve been sending inappropriate messages to this woman on Facebook for the past six months.

She really should add “Governor of Alaska” to that profile.

Written by Michael B. Duff

August 29, 2008 at 14:19

Posted in Humor, Politics

Geek Snack Update

So the A-J has these vending machines — not just your typical modern snack apartment building, but the older, glass-topped manual models with a crank — sponsored by some charitable organization.

These machines have been here for decades and to my knowledge, no one has ever actually tried to eat anything from them.


I’m on a diet these days, and I needed something more substantial than a stick of gum but not quite as sinful as a candy bar. Those 25-cent blobs of dubious candy seemed like a perfect compromise.

I put my money in, turned the crank back and forth and came back to my chair with a generous handful of sweet red pebbles. I put one carefully in my mouth, judged it to be unique but edible, and dug in to the rest. As I was eating, one of the reporters came in and caught me mid-scarf.

She looked at me with a mixture of horror and admiration, like I was one of those guys on Fear Factor. “You’re eating candy from that machine? Do you know what it is?”

*munch* *munch* “No idea.”

“Are you sure it’s safe?”

*chew* *chew* “Nope.”

This was last week. Today the same reporter catches me headed to the break room and says, “Oh! Those things you were eating? They were Boston Baked Beans.”

This is why I love reporters. They can’t walk away from an unanswered question.

But she went on, “And that thing you thought was an FDA inspection sticker? It says ‘Go Cowboys, 1974.'”

P.S. Before anyone freaks out and calls the health department I should add that although our reporters maintain the highest standards of integrity in print, some of them have been known to exaggerate things here in the office, if only to make the online guy jump.

Written by Michael B. Duff

July 7, 2008 at 16:48

Posted in Food, Humor

The serious business of humor on the Web

Jennifer Ordonez doesn’t think the Internet is very funny, or at least, not funny enough to make money.

Writing in Newsweek June 9, in the spectacularly well-named Technologist column, she said, “as a revenue driver, comedy on the Web has thus far been a joke.”
Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 27, 2008 at 03:18

Posted in Columns, Humor, Video

Bill Gates tries to use his own product

Todd Bishop of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer is featuring a 2003 email from Bill Gates, lambasting his staff over the poor design and usability hassles he faced while trying to download Windows Movie Maker. Gates captured this experience exactly, asking all the questions that a normal user would ask.

“Why can’t I find MovieMaker in the search results?”

“Why do I have to download 7 things from Windows Update before I can get one program?”

“Why do software installs take so long?”

“Why does Add/Remove programs list a hundred hotfixes with no description?”

And the list goes on.

Dave Ross of KIRO-AM/710 in Seattle did a dramatic reading of the message on air Wednesday morning. Don’t miss it.

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 26, 2008 at 14:57

Posted in Humor, Microsoft

Jessica Coen doesn't really love you

I need to take a moment and cackle over Jessica Coen’s Myspace profile.You will never see this tongue again.

Her regular blog is here, but the real masterpiece is on Myspace. This profile is the most succinct commentary on male desire and female enabling that I’ve ever seen.


Result? The most artfully-crafted NO TRESSPASSING sign on the Internet.

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 19, 2008 at 12:46

Posted in Gawker, Humor

Physics for Misunderstood Artists (Final Exam)

1. You need to hurl your demo tape through the open window of a record executive's SUV, traveling at 60 KPH. Assuming no wind, what is the optimum arc for your throw?

2. The lead singer of Fall Out Boy has decided to fill the Grand Canyon with his tears. How many tears will this take and how long does he need to cry?

3. You need to destroy a canvas before your boyfriend realizes you have painted him naked. How many milliliters of spray paint will it take to hide your shame?

4. Your mom caught you smoking pot and wants to burn your novella about death. How hot should the oven be and how long does it need to burn?

5. You have purchased a trumpet to interrupt a George Bush speech during commencement. How many decibels will it take to drown him out?

6. The cops are beating the crap out of you after you have interrupted a George Bush speech during commencement. How much force can they apply to your bones before you need to go to the hospital?

7. Marilyn Manson has decided to honor Satan by bathing in the blood of Michael Bolton. How big a container will he need to hold it?

8. The campus health service has refused to renew your prescription for antidepressants, so you have decided to break one of their windows. How big a rock do you need?

9. You are spiking the punch at a residence hall party and want to render the TA unconscious for 2 hours. How many milligrams of Everclear do you need?

10. You think you see Avril Lavigne sucking down a chili dog at Wienerschnitzel. How close should you be to get a good picture?

EXTRA CREDIT: If REM is walking in a forest and a tree falls on Michael Stipe, what octave will his screams be in?

Written by Michael B. Duff

December 7, 2007 at 10:56

Posted in Humor, Science