Michael B. Duff

Lubbock's answer to a question no one asked

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Physics for Misunderstood Artists (Final Exam)

1. You need to hurl your demo tape through the open window of a record executive's SUV, traveling at 60 KPH. Assuming no wind, what is the optimum arc for your throw?

2. The lead singer of Fall Out Boy has decided to fill the Grand Canyon with his tears. How many tears will this take and how long does he need to cry?

3. You need to destroy a canvas before your boyfriend realizes you have painted him naked. How many milliliters of spray paint will it take to hide your shame?

4. Your mom caught you smoking pot and wants to burn your novella about death. How hot should the oven be and how long does it need to burn?

5. You have purchased a trumpet to interrupt a George Bush speech during commencement. How many decibels will it take to drown him out?

6. The cops are beating the crap out of you after you have interrupted a George Bush speech during commencement. How much force can they apply to your bones before you need to go to the hospital?

7. Marilyn Manson has decided to honor Satan by bathing in the blood of Michael Bolton. How big a container will he need to hold it?

8. The campus health service has refused to renew your prescription for antidepressants, so you have decided to break one of their windows. How big a rock do you need?

9. You are spiking the punch at a residence hall party and want to render the TA unconscious for 2 hours. How many milligrams of Everclear do you need?

10. You think you see Avril Lavigne sucking down a chili dog at Wienerschnitzel. How close should you be to get a good picture?

EXTRA CREDIT: If REM is walking in a forest and a tree falls on Michael Stipe, what octave will his screams be in?

Written by Michael B. Duff

December 7, 2007 at 10:56

Posted in Humor, Science

Could you do this at your office?

Lip Dub – Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger from amandalynferri on Vimeo.

Could you do this at your office?

Introducing the phenomenon of the office dub. A random group of co-workers starts with a single song and films themselves lip syncing to it. I wanted to try this at the A-J but the Hank Williams people got in a big fight with the Johnny Cash people and six of our editors went to the hospital.

The TMBG people, consisting of me and well…me, did not have enough mojo to assemble a group. If you're willing to lip sync Particle Man on camera, please reply to this post.

Written by Michael B. Duff

December 4, 2007 at 11:52

Posted in Humor, Video

CBS don't need writers to write news good

CBS news writers have authorized a nationwide strike, and once again, the execs aren't worried. They say they've got plenty of nonunion writers who can pick up the slack.

And in the news today, President Bush said a lot of boring stuff and some guy in Russia wigged out at a cabinet meeting. Back to you, Velveeta.

And then, like an hour ago, this criminal dude was all like, “I'm escaping with teh cash!”

And the cops were all like, “Nuh huh.”

And the dude was all like, “Yeah, huh.”

And his car was all like VROOM!

Then the cops were all, “We put down spikes on the road!” and the criminal dude got all crashed.

Then a van came and the driver got even more dead than the first guy.

Written by Michael B. Duff

November 20, 2007 at 14:06

Posted in Humor, TV

Saddest Cubicle Contest

Think you're having a bad day at work?

Check out the “winners” of Wired Magazine's Saddest Cubicle Contest.

Written by Michael B. Duff

November 7, 2007 at 09:42

Posted in Humor

Duff: There is no such thing as a free monkey

Duff: There is no such thing as a free monkey

There is no such thing as a free monkey.

Recently I got a call from a lady named Betty Childers. Betty was calling to report “a scam on your Web site.” We take that kind of thing very seriously here at Lubbock Online, so I took her information and immediately checked with our classifieds manager.

Betty was responding to an ad that offered to provide a monkey from Cameroon “for free adoption.” The Avalanche-Journal stopped running these ads about a year ago, but versions of them are still floating around the Internet, waiting to trap the unwary.

Betty contacted a man named “Dennis Williamson” at his Yahoo address and eagerly awaited the arrival of her monkey. A few days later, she was told that Pan American Airlines needed her to pay $220 in “monkey insurance” before they could ship a monkey overseas. (Note: Pan American World Airways went out of business in 1991.)

Time passes, and Betty gets another e-mail, this time claiming that her monkey had been “held up in customs in France” and that it would take another $300 to get him released.

Betty was very upset about having her monkey “held hostage,” but she lives on a fixed income and could not afford $300. The broker offered to pay $200 of the fee if Betty could send him another $100, which she did. So Betty is out $320, and she still doesn’t have her monkey.

These kinds of stories are regrettably common.

The most infamous Internet scam is the Nigerian 419 or Advance Fee Fraud scam, where a wealthy foreigner offers to cut you in on a large percentage of a questionable fortune, as long as you provide a couple thousand up front.

It takes a special combination of greed and gullibility to fall for the 419 scam, but the monkey scam is a bit easier to understand. People give away puppies and kittens all the time, why not try the same thing with a monkey? (The ad describes the monkey as “DNA tasted” which may be my favorite spelling mistake of all time.)

Ultimately, the best way to be safe on the Internet is to use some common sense. Deal with established businesses, don’t send money to strangers, and if it sounds too good to be true, it almost certainly is. Don’t open unsolicited e-mail attachments, and don’t forward strange or cute e-mails to other people.

The Web site Snopes.Com has an extensive database of scams, pranks and tricks that have been circulating on the Internet for years. When in doubt, check Snopes first.

Written by Michael B. Duff

October 12, 2007 at 14:18

Posted in Columns, Humor, Movies, TV

Obamamania and the headline game

I'm not ready to characterize this Obama hype as “premature” but yesterday I saw his face on a $10 bill.

P.S. I felt guilty about doing a blog post with only one joke in it, so here's some more for you.

I spent a happy evening yesterday catching up with an infamous online publication called The Onion. If you're not familiar with The Onion you're in for a treat. Basically The Onion is a fake newspaper specializing in satirical news and observational humor.

I have become totally obsessed with the style of Onion headlines. Here are some I thought up in the shower this morning:

  • Putin resumes Cold War after watching James Bond marathon
  • Shamefaced hipster caught watching local news
  • U.S. Post Office announces Obama stamp
  • Clinton reserves space on 2008 Supreme Court docket
  • Cheating husband sends love poem to Russian spammer
  • Wonkette editor fired for non-ironic Drudge link
  • Half-dead ivy plots revenge against neglectful owner
  • Mayor forms commission to recall rain prayers
  • Norse gods announce membership drive
  • Snape estate sues Rowling for defamation, emotional distress
  • Lubbock Online employee regrets Hot Pocket purchase
  • MySpace becomes sentient, deletes self in shame
  • Xbox profile interpreted as cry for help
  • Neglected Warcraft character gains 40 pounds

And here's one that only works as a picture caption:

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 6, 2007 at 06:17

Posted in Humor, Politics