Michael B. Duff

Lubbock's answer to a question no one asked

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Red Raiders rock ESPN front page at halftime

Written by Michael B. Duff

November 1, 2008 at 21:02

Posted in Humor, Movies, Polls, Warcraft

18 Reasons Why Lubbock is Better than Austin

Terry ran a “suitable for grownups” version of this on A-1 today, but gave me permission to post the original on my blog.

The print version was co-authored by Superstar Editor Mel Tittle, but please don’t blame him for these.

Tortillas hurt less than hacky sacks when hurled from the stands.

Tech cheerleaders take showers, eat beef and most of them shave their legs.

Tech mascot performs better knowing that horse is not a food.

Lubbock elects politicians and sends them to Austin where they can’t hurt anybody.

Tech’s historic come-from-behind victory will make a better movie.

Fans in Tech colors less likely to be mistaken for crossing guards when leaving stadium.

Which would you rather have come out of your college, 60 experimental wind turbines or 60 student films about death?

“Guns Up” more intimidating to opponents than “I love you” in sign language.

Our English majors can beat up your English majors.

At Texas Tech, Interpretive Dance is not a sport.

Tech student parking lot still a safe place for McCain stickers.

Wide, clean streets allow easy escape during post-game riots.

Soft, grassy medians provide alternative lodging for fans who couldn’t get hotel rooms.

In Lubbock, a “hybrid” is an R.V. with an electric stove.

Tech locker room less likely to smell like patchouli after the game.

Tech fans toughened by 60 m.p.h. winds and daily 8-mile hike to class.

Mike Leach plushie will sell better than Mack Brown action figure.

And finally, an Austin editor would bury this on D-6.

Written by Michael B. Duff

October 31, 2008 at 20:28

Posted in Best Of, Humor

We have always been at war with 8:30

At 8:20 this morning a Citibus driver showed up at my door and told me I was 20 minutes late for my 9 a.m. bus.

I was dripping wet and pantsless at the time, so I hope you will forgive my lack of critical thinking. As a certified computer geek, I assumed that there had been a time change Sunday morning, my phone and my PC had adjusted to it, and my analog-bound bus driver hadn’t noticed.

I called my buddy Scott for a ride and pounded out this frantic series of Twitter posts.

michaelduff IT IS AN HOUR EARLIER THAN YOU THINK IT IS. For God’s sake, why is this so complicated?

michaelduff NEVERMIND. It’s 8:30. It’s always been 8:30. We have always been at war with 8:30. GAAAAHHHH! Winston needs gin.

michaelduff @JohnCleese See? Even British people are confused. This is not my fault. Is there a website that can help me find my pants?

michaelduff Hide the old people and lock up your women, it’s Y2K8.

In the middle of this, the bus driver came back and said, “Oh wait, it really is 8:30. Also, Darth Vader is not Luke’s real father.”

Scott did some research for me and called back with the scoop. Until 2006, daylight savings time ended on the last Sunday in October, but as of 2006 daylight savings time does not end until Nov. 2.

This is particularly dangerous for people who rely on smart phones and dumb PCs to tell them what time it is. Your devices may or may not adjust automatically next week, so you have to be on your toes.

So what happened to me this morning? Only the Naval Observatory knows for sure.

Written by Michael B. Duff

October 27, 2008 at 09:08

Posted in Best Of, Humor

They call this customer service?

CONCERNED CITIZEN: “Yes, officer, thank you for coming down. I need to report something strange I saw outside the Avalanche-Journal offices this morning.

“A man with a beard and a cane came outside and started talking on his phone. He looked really agitated, frowning and pacing around. He seemed to get madder and madder as the call went on. At first I couldn’t hear him but then he got louder and I realized he was shouting ‘Pay my bill!’ over and over.

“It started soft and got louder. ‘Pay my bill. No. Pay my bill! Pay. My. Bill. PAY MY BILL! I JUST WANT TO PAY MY FREAKING BILL!!!’

“Then he shouted his social security number and threw his phone against the wall. His hair was messed up and his clothes looked cheap. I think he might be homeless.”

OFFICER: “No Ma’am, that’s just Duff. He does this every month.”

Written by Michael B. Duff

October 24, 2008 at 11:18

Posted in Humor

Frank Evil vs. Bambi's Mom

[Originally written to cheer up molls.]

It seemed to take forever, watching Frank Evil consume Bambi’s Mom. I didn’t think a man could consume that much deer meat, but Frank kept at it. He grilled her and fried her and baked her into pies.

He made her into sandwiches and brought her for lunch. I asked if he wanted to share the meat one day and he said no. He wanted to eat her by himself. It seemed important, somehow, to consume the whole thing by himself.

He finished her last June, choking down the last bits of gristle and fat. I thought that would be the end of it, but Frank had a habit now. I tried to give him normal deer but Frank had a taste for magic now. He wanted to eat the ones that talk — deer that feel and think and whisper prophecy to the trees.

I didn’t ask him about the morality of it. I mean, you can’t reason with a guy named Frank Evil. Even I knew that. Instead, I asked him if he ever worried about consequences, worried that the deer would call in favors and fight back somehow.

Frank just laughed at me and loaded fresh shells into his gun. “What are they gonna do?” Frank said, “Grow wings and fly away?”

UPDATE 14:03: Apparently, my prose is so surreal, I even confused Scott Slemmons. Do you know how hard it is to out-weird Scott Slemmons? He’s like the Barry Bonds of weird.

Written by Michael B. Duff

October 10, 2008 at 09:15

Posted in Humor

It's a girl!

Alaska Gov. Sarah PalinMcCain’s new VP is hot, right? Can we just get that out of the way?

You know what this means? It means Joe Biden isn’t the sexiest person in this election cycle anymore.

I don’t want to reveal too much about my politics or my taste in women but I think I’ve been sending inappropriate messages to this woman on Facebook for the past six months.

She really should add “Governor of Alaska” to that profile.

Written by Michael B. Duff

August 29, 2008 at 14:19

Posted in Humor, Politics

Geek Snack Update

So the A-J has these vending machines — not just your typical modern snack apartment building, but the older, glass-topped manual models with a crank — sponsored by some charitable organization.

These machines have been here for decades and to my knowledge, no one has ever actually tried to eat anything from them.

Well…

I’m on a diet these days, and I needed something more substantial than a stick of gum but not quite as sinful as a candy bar. Those 25-cent blobs of dubious candy seemed like a perfect compromise.

I put my money in, turned the crank back and forth and came back to my chair with a generous handful of sweet red pebbles. I put one carefully in my mouth, judged it to be unique but edible, and dug in to the rest. As I was eating, one of the reporters came in and caught me mid-scarf.

She looked at me with a mixture of horror and admiration, like I was one of those guys on Fear Factor. “You’re eating candy from that machine? Do you know what it is?”

*munch* *munch* “No idea.”

“Are you sure it’s safe?”

*chew* *chew* “Nope.”

This was last week. Today the same reporter catches me headed to the break room and says, “Oh! Those things you were eating? They were Boston Baked Beans.”

This is why I love reporters. They can’t walk away from an unanswered question.

But she went on, “And that thing you thought was an FDA inspection sticker? It says ‘Go Cowboys, 1974.'”

P.S. Before anyone freaks out and calls the health department I should add that although our reporters maintain the highest standards of integrity in print, some of them have been known to exaggerate things here in the office, if only to make the online guy jump.

Written by Michael B. Duff

July 7, 2008 at 16:48

Posted in Food, Humor

The serious business of humor on the Web

Jennifer Ordonez doesn’t think the Internet is very funny, or at least, not funny enough to make money.

Writing in Newsweek June 9, in the spectacularly well-named Technologist column, she said, “as a revenue driver, comedy on the Web has thus far been a joke.”
Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 27, 2008 at 03:18

Posted in Columns, Humor, Video

Bill Gates tries to use his own product

Todd Bishop of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer is featuring a 2003 email from Bill Gates, lambasting his staff over the poor design and usability hassles he faced while trying to download Windows Movie Maker. Gates captured this experience exactly, asking all the questions that a normal user would ask.

“Why can’t I find MovieMaker in the search results?”

“Why do I have to download 7 things from Windows Update before I can get one program?”

“Why do software installs take so long?”

“Why does Add/Remove programs list a hundred hotfixes with no description?”

And the list goes on.

Dave Ross of KIRO-AM/710 in Seattle did a dramatic reading of the message on air Wednesday morning. Don’t miss it.

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 26, 2008 at 14:57

Posted in Humor, Microsoft

Jessica Coen doesn't really love you

I need to take a moment and cackle over Jessica Coen’s Myspace profile.You will never see this tongue again.

Her regular blog is here, but the real masterpiece is on Myspace. This profile is the most succinct commentary on male desire and female enabling that I’ve ever seen.

Observe:

Result? The most artfully-crafted NO TRESSPASSING sign on the Internet.

Written by Michael B. Duff

June 19, 2008 at 12:46

Posted in Gawker, Humor