Michael B. Duff

Lubbock's answer to a question no one asked

Tiger Reduction Program expected to slash tiger threat

NOT a pumaI am pleased to report after a year of following my Tiger Reduction Program, I have repelled or destroyed 1,200 tigers in the Lubbock area alone.

I realize some of you may be skeptical of this claim, having witnessed no appreciable tiger activity in your area. But that very absence of tigers is proof that my plan is working. Imagine how bad our tiger situation would be if we had just sat back and done nothing, as many pro-tiger elements in our legislature have suggested.

Building on the success of our intial Tiger Reduction Program, I would like to propose another round of Tiger Reduction, known henceforth as TR2.

While there can be no permanent solution to the problem of tiger attack, I am confident that the deployment of TR2 will reduce the risk of tiger attack by 30-60% in the 1st quarter of 2011,

In the past year, we have heard many objections to TR2. Some critics believe the theat of tiger attack is overblown. Some believe the $250,000 price tag is too high. Some have expressed concerns about the bonds being routed through my former employer, Duff Savings and Loan.

I would like to assure you that I have no formal connection to any of the board members at Duff Savings and Loan and that the subject of tiger bonds was not discussed at Thanksgiving.

So please, don’t consider the cost of this action against tigers. Consider the cost of inaction on your family, and the benefits of the tiger-free community that we continue to enjoy.

P.S. I would like to remind everyone that the animal attack observed last spring was perpetrated by a puma and that puma attack prevention is beyond the scope of this program.

Written by Michael B. Duff

November 27, 2010 at 17:48

Posted in Humor, Politics

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