Michael B. Duff

Okay Republicans, here’s your mandate:

1. Clean up this health care mess, but don’t touch my Medicare!

2. Cut government spending, but don’t touch my Social Security!

3. You can kill Cap and Trade but I need you to pretend to believe in Global Warming, at least while the cameras are on.

4. You can extend the Bush tax cuts, but pretend they’re not for rich people.

5. Keep us safe from terrorists, by frisking grandmothers and restricting the flow of toothpaste across state lines.

6. Punish those fat cats on Wall Street, without jeopardizing your “relationship” with their lobbyists.

7. Remember, only crazy people worry about the Federal Reserve. They’re over there doing lots of smart economics stuff and they don’t need you asking questions or messing things up. Ben Bernanke taught at PRINCETON for God’s sake. He doesn’t need you screwing up the market by going on TV and trying to pronounce big economic words.

8. War? What war?

9. Unleash the populist might of the Tea Party, but don’t let them say anything weird on TV.

10. Create lots of new jobs without cutting anything, spending anything or repealing anything.

11. And while you’re doing all that, please raise millions of dollars for the next election. 2012 is right around the corner.

Got it? Okay. Ready. Set. Govern!