Michael B. Duff

Here’s the problem. All the good names are taken.

We used to be “classical liberals” but that name was appropriated and then discarded by the other side. “Liberal” is like an old sock that your brother stole out of your dresser. Twenty years later you find it in his closet and he says, “Oh yeah, I guess that is yours. It’s kind of gray and stiff now, but you can have it back if you want.”

Modern liberals want to be called progressives now. I guess Rush Limbaugh finally destroyed the l-word.

I’m not really a conservative, although I’ve been to some of their pot lucks. Libertarian is accurate, but that label has been appropriated by hippies, gun nuts and people who never quite got over Ayn Rand.

So, I would like to propose a new label. I want to be a Regressive. I don’t want to create bold new policies for the future. I want to go back to old, forgotten policies that seem boring and simplistic now.

Our slogan will be “Regress…TO THE FUTURE!”

Still deciding on our campaign vehicle. I don’t know if I should go with a DeLorean, an A-Team van, or a 1918 Ford Landolet. Technically I should use a horse and buggy, but I think we’ll have enough trouble getting on the ballot without adding animal permits to the mix.

I know what you’re thinking. How are you going to convince people to adopt economic policies that America rejected in World War I?

By never explaining what those policies are. We’ll have it on the web, you know. For obsessive types who like to read. But for the public and mainstream media, nothing but empty platitudes and obscure historical jargon. We can’t possibly WIN anything, so this will be a movement based on spectacle. Bowler hats and gold pocket watches. Ridiculous moustaches and vintage fabrics. Our goal is to entertain the public and suck up TV time that should be going to legitimate candidates.

Not a legitimate party. More like a historical LARP.

Our most highly paid employee will be the graphic artist who makes everything look like a patent medicine ad from 1918. Our TV ads, if we ever get to afford TV, will be sepia-toned and silent, with everything written on placards that no one will read. Can you imagine the impact of that? Utterly silent TV commercials? Maybe with some sloppy piano music in the background?

When Rachel Maddow asks us if we would preserve the Civil Rights Act we will say “absolutely!” But that 19th Amendment has got to go.