Michael B. Duff

Lubbock's answer to a question no one asked

Some impressions from Lost, Season 1

I just started Lost Season 1 this week. Last night was the episode where they confronted Ethan. Here’s a quick summary:

JACK: Okay Claire, we need you to walk out into the jungle alone so the creepy madman can capture you again.

CLAIRE: I’m Australian! I’m having a baby!

JACK: I’m gonna take that as a yes. Now Locke and I are going to retrieve the guns that we really should have used the first time. Hey Sawyer, have a gun!

SAWYER: Already got one. Got all kinds of things back here — food, guns, three generators… Come back for lunch and I’ll have a complete Sizzler buffet.

JACK: Whatever. Just come with us.


WALT is trapped in an improvised shelter by the POLAR BEAR.

POLAR BEAR: Finally, some screen time. Roar! Slaver! Bite! Slash!

WALT: *cower*

MICHAEL: We’re coming son! Locke and I just have to navigate this improvised obstacle course!

POLAR BEAR: *reading script* What? Me again? ROAR!

WALT: Stay away from my dad! *stab*

POLAR BEAR: I am the Animal Incarnation of Fear, kid. You can’t just *stab* me!

MICHAEL: Stay away from my boy! *stab*

POLAR BEAR: What did I just say? Screw this, I’m gonna go try and eat the French chick again.


CLAIRE: I’m Australian! I’m having a baby!

CHARLIE: I won’t let anyone hurt you. Your total dependence and lack of personality feels like reciprocal love to me.

CLAIRE: I’m Australian! I’m having a baby! Wait…I remember… Hospital gowns and bright lights, an army of men chanting “Aaron!” as they march to war…

JACK: Oh lord, not again. Can somebody reset Claire?

CHARLIE presses a button on the back of Claire’s neck.

CLAIRE: I’m Australian! I’m having a baby!

JACK: Okay, reverse-ambush time. GO!

ETHAN: Do you like my creepy makeup?

JACK tackles ETHAN

ETHAN: I have the strength of five men but I am overcome by your Righteous Doctor Fighting Skills.

LOCKE: Jack’s got him!

ETHAN: Hey Locke, what’s up? It’s me, Ethan. Dharma company picnic, 1976? Me and Randall Flagg won the sack race?

SAWYER: You’re busted, pal. Hey Sayid, you got any bamboo shoots left?

ETHAN: Curses! Captured by the enemy! I’ll have no choice but to reveal all my evil plans, laying out cruicial plot points for the next five…

CHARLIE: Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!

ETHAN: Ugh! Six bullets to the chest! My secret supervillain weakness! I die!

JACK: Charlie, what the hell?

CHARLIE: Television is a rough business, Jack. One premature plot reveal and I’m back to playing Victorian Thug #3 on Doctor Who.

KATE: I don’t have any lines in this scene. I’m just here to provide an unrealistic standard of female beauty. Oops, my t-shirt is stretching across my chest again! Why does that keep happening?

ABRAMS: Cut! I love this job.

Written by Michael B. Duff

May 20, 2009 at 10:15

Posted in Humor, TV

One Response

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  1. Eerily accurate and utterly hilarious.


    June 12, 2009 at 14:49

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