Michael B. Duff

2008 was not the Year of the Internet. I can’t even describe it as “the year the Internet grew up.” The Year of the Internet was probably 1996, and the year the Internet grew up was 2004.

I guess we’ll have to call this, “The Year the Internet Had to Move Out of Dad’s Basement.”

The metaphor works best if you imagine it like a Saturday Night Live skit.

“Dad” is a clean-cut man in a black business suit, representing REALITY, and the INTERNET is a pudgy college student in a Google shirt and Cheeto-stained sweatpants.

REALITY descends the staircase: “Son, we need to talk.”

INTERNET apologizes to his raid group and logs out of Warcraft.

REALITY: “Now son, I know you’re a complex, creative person. You’re smart and funny and everyone loves those little videos you make, but your mother and I have been talking, and we think it’s time for you to get a job. We’ve tried to be patient, but Hot Pockets cost money, and you’ve been wearing the same sweatpants for three weeks.”

INTERNET: “But Dad, I have a job! I have like, 12 jobs! I have a blog and a MySpace and a YouTube channel…”

REALITY: “Those aren’t jobs, son. You call it work, but normal people call those ‘hobbies.’ Work is something that makes money.”

INTERNET: “But I do make money! I make money with my Google ads! You remember that video I made of a dog peeing on George Bush? That went viral! A million people saw that video; people from all over the world!”

REALITY: “And how much did you make?”

INTERNET: “It’s not about how much, man! It’s about getting noticed. Buzz, exposure, mindshare! That video was #3 on Digg!”

REALITY: “You made $50. And the bandwidth cost $375.”

INTERNET: “That is so narrow-minded. You need to look at the big picture. It’s just like I said when I moved in–”

REALITY: “In 1994.”

INTERNET: “Right, in 1994. The web is going to change our whole crypto-economic paradigm. There’s no middleman anymore. Go on the web, do cool stuff, be awesome, and watch the money come in. All the old corporate bottlenecks are gone.”

REALITY: “When was this supposed to happen?”

INTERNET: “It’s happening, man! It’s happening everywhere!”

REALITY: “Everywhere but in this basement. You need to get a job.”

INTERNET: “What, like, in a store? Dude, by 2012 there won’t even be stores! We’ll order everything online and our groceries will be delivered by…by robots or something!

REALITY: “Sounds great. Really. But I’ve been waiting for the revolution since you were six. I watched all the videos and attended all the lectures. I’ve got a closet full of Wired magazine and George Gilder books. But the future is taking too long, and we need money now.”

INTERNET: “All right, all right. I wasn’t going to mention this until we got our contract worked out, but I have a plan that will solve all our problems. I’m gonna start a band. I’ll be on drums. My friend Toby has an Xbox, and we met this girl in the mall… We’re gonna call it ‘Ironic Laser Experience.'”

REALITY: “You bought lasers?”

INTERNET: “No! That’s why they’re ‘ironic.’ Duh!”

REALITY: “Get out of my house.”

INTERNET: “You’re gonna regret this! You’ll be sorry when I’m a billionaire! You’re turning your back on the future!”

REALITY: “Probably. Get out.”

INTERNET: “I’ll show you! I’ll show you all! I’m gonna make a trillion dollars and destroy your whole economy!”

REALITY: “Good luck with that. If you see a flying robot, ask him if he wants to buy a Prodigy membership and 400 back issues of Wired.”